birthday wish

turning 21 in 2 weeks...my one and only impossible wish is to see him face-to-face for the last time bfr he moves on.....

The End of a Love Story

this blog was created from love.... but if the relationship is not there.....whats the use.................. i had to let go...... GODDDDDDD i don't want to!!! but i had to.....he was unhappy n tortured by my mistakes....i dont deserve him..... frm that the i lost all rights.... now im just a girlfriend who cheated...yeah thats right i cheated with his best friend..i told him on the spot i did it....its been months n all this time he pretended he was ok with it....he never was.... he is a great guy...n he deserve a great girl....i m not great.... im the worst kind.....the pain is so great it can bring down the largest mammal on earth....i dont want to but i have to ...if i love him.... i have to make him happy... i never love someone as much....never! goodbye my lover

:(

sigh*....... maybe the fact that he is a young guy or maybe its just because he is a guy, he doesnt seem to understand when some of his actions hurt..even the little ones.... communication is important in a relationship..that is well known fact...it is the written law of the universe...and choosing that over movie time....well..
of course the reason behind it was that when he wants to talk its either im in a bad mood or sleepy but we have to talk whenever i want to talk... which to him is unfair apparently.... so if he sees it this way.... then in the end they wont be any conversation at all...there goes the relationship... its long distance for God sake!! compromise with me!! this relationship is base on being fair......not one of us want to be the one who cares more...not one of us want to sacrifice more than the other...its if you did that then i can do whatever i want to counterbalance what u did.. is this the modern relationship?...what happen to:i will die for you, cross the ocean for you...and all those romantics ballads that we heard and see all the time..... the entertainment business did a superb job in making us believe that whatever they put out is based on real life situation...and i hate it..heart broken to bits

you can feel it when something is wrong n sometimes it feels like you cant fix this one..... you just dont know what to do anymore.... u want it to work so bad but things are just not going your way... u need divine intervention ...but the Divine will do whatever He wants and whatever He wants might not be what you want and in the end u might or might not get what u want..... not that complicated.... its simple and its written...
ask and you shall receive...with a condition...ask for the right stuff.... there are so many ways possible to ask for something but only few of those are the 'receivable' way....
sometimes u just get so tired u dont want anything anymore.... you just want to be..i dont know... free?.. whatever that means... you want every inch of u body and soul to feel out of this world.... ecstatic... free...
you dont want to hear nags, ambulance sirens, police cars, thunder, pain....but maybe the rain, or leaves rustling , the sounds of wind, the silence of winter, water?

maybe its better if we just die and leave all this...but i have tasted love and i am not ready to give that up for a maybe.... i am in love with L.O.V.E .. keeps me feeling high and on top of the world.... im just human....im too stupid too care for anything less.. and perhaps still not ready to move on for something more.... :)

how do u erase past mistakes? cheating , hurting someone you love.... everyone wishes they could go back to that moment and change it... just something simple like picking up a phone or being online or attending a friends graduation.... some people aren't so lucky.. they have to live with their mistakes all their lives...some get to move on and some dont.. human make mistakes..... and some human can't forgive... y? is it because the extend or severity of the sin is too much to put up with.... "to forgive is divine"...ahaa ... no wonder.... everyone goes through shit... different kinds.... and for some it is the cause for their 'mistakes' .... but what if the sinner truly repent and was sorry for his sins....would he be fogiven then? does he has to prove it? God can forgive ... i believe that... but human cant forgive and i believe that too.....

does it make any sense if a person for the first time experince undying, burning, real love, is afraid to make a mistake...and eventually did..... how about that? can the person be forgiven? what if the person sincerly doesnt knw why she did what she did... does she deserve to be given a second chance.... screwing up is a part of growing but be careful because some screw up is far beyond repair....
what about an advice for those who went too far? what would happen to them? will society help her or is she truly beyond repair? what is the use of human race? what is the use of religion if not to teach love to one another and to forgive and understand each other...we have all forget the purpose of being in this world...we have all turn cold and doubtful of one another.... we have become selfish, to protect ourselves from our own kind...
y is forgiving hard? why does the good person suffer? is that the way God plans it so that the ill-mannered person will get a lesson out of it....... y does God love them so much? Forgiveness is so powerful and only seen in the wise and great men. The norms are the ones that conquer earth.... and make this world a place of hate n suffering.... religion is not doing a good job... i believe a person can change.... but she must be given time and guidance.... she has to admit her faults and flaws and climb up the hard wall of self discovery.. sometimes u see on tv some extraordinary people and we'll go..whats so hard about that.... when we come to that moment of decision....then we realize that those people are extraordinary... how the F did they do it?? from there everything changes.... its not the same ...everything just got harder... things just wont stop falling apart.... thats where u call out to God.... then things start to look better but not quite yet... just then u fall again....hard...n u pray some more....
ur soul, body and mind just doesnt seem to be in peace with each other....wounded ego starts to reveal itself...and then ur stuck...u dont knw what to do......but u cant stop because the whole world is moving....so u have to move to....but where?
whats going on? what am i suppose to do? why ?
it gets so blurry ..... for the final attempt, u call out to God again...
and....we'll see ..

Masters in the US

OK..i have decided to take my masters degree in the US.. that would be in 2 or 3 years time. In the meanwhile i just have to focus on my bachelor degree and get the results needed.


Its so hard to stay in this house; so much memories... it seems as if he is so near.. and just within reach. I have to have patience. damn this is lame. long distance relationship sucks. sigh*




..............but then again LOVE CONQUERS ALL..

new day

The love of my life has left my country on Tuesday 23/06/09 at 2359 to start a new life. Its really hard since we were having a great time and the relationship was so strong and was getting stronger. I have never felt this before..i had to keep reminding myself that he is not dead.. he is just a few thousand of miles away on the same planet. And i know i am going to be with him in a few years time. I am learning to accept this physical separation but i can tell you it is not as easy as it seems. He moved on and so must i. We had a pack and i am going to keep my end, rusty start but the end is in mind.
My dad told me to have

1) a short term plan
2) a long term plan

and i am planning to utilize this fatherly advice for the first time in my life in a self-discipline and mature way. I am ready to begin my life as a adult with responsibilities. CHANGE is what everyone want these days and in this matter i am one of the 'everyone'.

One day i am gonna walk this airport and it will be one of the happiest moment in my life despite the jet lag and numb ass. I am going to take a picture and say ever so softly to myself "we did it.." and i am going to smile a big ass smile and kiss the person closest to me at that very moment and take a picture of that too. :P

This is my dream..but it won't stay a dream for long.

JOHN F. KENNEDY AIRPORT , NEW YORK U.S.A.

RxD

I am outlining my future on this blog. I need some visuals to keep reminding me of my goals. i have tons of dreams, ones that are seem to be getting further each day. I will not allow myself to leave this world with regrets and sorrow. I'm creating a diary online to keep track of things. Im putting my dreams and hopes in 10 years time on this blog. Saving trees here..what can i say. Today i just finished my exams...sigh* i hate them... pointless pressure and stress.. im gonna work on my blog as soon as i can... gotta work on the house first.. :>
RxD